Parodiiiiiiiiiii
by ThatGirlCalledGrace
Summary: I saw evry1 elses gd parodys, n thought id make mii own! :D please read n review
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I will never own any of POTC (cry cry), Alton Towers or anything else I have used in this chapter.**

**Chapter 1 - DREAM SEQUENCE OF WILLS RESCUE**

Young Elizabeth: (on the bow of the ship) Yo ho, Yo ho, a princesses life for me!

Mr Gibbs: I thought you were meant to be singing about pirates?

Young Elizabeth: I don't like pirates; they're all dirty and horrible! Princesses are much prettier.

Mr Gibbs: Well, Jesse Metcalfe likes pirates…

Young Elizabeth: (open mouth) Really? Well, I like pirates now. Yo ho, Yo ho, a pirates life for me!

Mr Gibbs: Quiet, missy! Cursed pirates sail these waters. You don't want to bring them down on us, now, do ya?

Young Elizabeth: But you told me to!

Norrington: Mr Gibbs, that will do!

Mr Gibbs: She was singing about pirates. Bad luck to be singing about pirates with us mired in this unnatural fog, which must have cost nothing to hire a bad fog guy!

Fog guy from back stage: Hey! Fine then, no fog for you!

(fog stops)

Young Elizabeth: It'd be sooooo cool to meet a pirate!

Norrington: Think again miss Swann, for every pirate deserves what he gets; a short stop and a sudden drop.

Young Elizabeth: like that rollercoaster at Alton Towers? That is sooooo cool! I thought I would fall, but I didn't! Daddy, can you take me again???

Governor Swann: Can we stop talking about this please, that rollercoaster made me throw up! Oh yeah, and stop the pirate talk too.

(Young Elizabeth spots something on the water)

Young Elizabeth: A girl! There's a girl in the water!

Norrington: Are you sure that's a girl?

Young Elizabeth: yes! See, it is wearing a tutu! It must be a girl.

Mr Gibbs: Man, I mean girl, overboard! Haul him up! I mean her!

(crew haul person up onto deck.

Young Elizabeth: (looking down at the boy in a pink tutu and makeup) Ok…

Governor Swann: Elizabeth, I would like you to look after the… the boy for me.

Young Elizabeth: (pouts) great! I'm stuck with the tranny in a wig!

(boy wakes up, gasping for air)

Young Elizabeth: Hey, I'm Elizabeth Swann.

Boy: Will. Will Turner.

Young Elizabeth: (sarcastically) I'll be watching over you Will.

(will faints)

Young Elizabeth: (under her breath) I've got nothing better to do than watch a kid sleep. (sees the medallion around Will's neck.) Wow! You're a pirate! Can you introduce me to Jesse? Will? (shakes Will) I'm sorry for being horrid! Please?

Norrington: Has he said anything?

Young Elizabeth: (under her breath) I suppose he wouldn't like rollercoasters, being a woman and all. Best not tell anyone. (speaks to Norrington) His name is William Turner. That's all I found out.

Norrington: Take him below deck, and for god sakes take that tutu off him, he looks like a right idiot!

(Elizabeth looks at the medallion, then closes her eyes)

END OF DREAM)


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I would love to be the owner of POTC, but if I was, I wouldn't be writing this on my computer for fan fiction would I?**

**Chapter 2 – A BEAUTIFUL DRESS AND AN IMPRESSIVE SWORD**

(Elizabeth wakes with a puzzled expression on her face.)

Elizabeth: What a weird dream! I mean, Jesse Metcalfe is sooo 10 years ago! Maybe I should go and put the medallion on for no reason at all, and maybe it will make life more interesting for the plot! (puts medallion on from inside a drawer)

Governor Swann: Elizabeth! Are you alright, are you decent?

Elizabeth: Well, apart from that time I HAD to have those black pumps from that store and sort of stole them, or that time I had a fight with the queen over the crown jewels, I'd say I'm pretty decent.

Governor Swann: No, I mean, are you dressed?

Elizabeth: Yes, yes, yes, calm down, it's only a movie! (covers the medallion with a dressing gown) Come in father!

Governor Swann: It's such a beautiful day! And I have a gift for you!

Elizabeth: Wow! Is it a thong? I love thongs! Is it pink?

Governor Swann: No Lizzie, it's a dress. (shows dress)

Elizabeth: ok… but I really do want a thong next time daddy! May I enquire as to the occasion?

Governor Swann: (under his breath) Rats! She's on to me! (to Elizabeth) Does a father need an occasion to dote upon his daughter?

Elizabeth: Well, what about that time you made me wear that hideous pink wig to go to that ball, or the time you bought me expensive white slippers to impress the Queen, or that time….

Governor Swann: Ok, I get it, I get it! I want you to wear it to Commodore Norrington's ceremony.

Elizabeth: Ha! But I'm not sure about this dress.

(maid laces up corset)

Elizabeth: OWW!!! Get it off! It hurts like hell!

Governor Swann: It is the latest fashion in London

Elizabeth: OK, get me 20 more of these, and an oxygen tank! I am the fashionista of the world!

Governor Swann: Ok… Well, bye!

(Governor Swann meets Will downstairs)

Governor Swann: Ah Turner, good to see you again

Will: Good day sir, I have your order

Governor Swann: Already? My daughter only just tried it on, and we need to test out the tanks, but hey! Bring them in!

Will: Huh? I thought you ordered 2 happy meals with extra toys, 3 cokes and a McFlurry? Well, all the more for me! (turns to walk out)

Governor Swann: well, maybe I could hold onto it if you want… but don't expect me to pay, I am the governor, you know!

(will gives happy meal & coke to Governor Swann, Elizabeth comes down stairs)

Governor Swann: Oh Elizabeth. You look… different.

(Elizabeth comes away from stairs to reveal the same dress but it is short and revealing)

Elizabeth: Will! I had a dream about you last night! (under her breath) thank god he isn't a tranny anymore.

Will: (too busy looking at Elizabeth and drooling to hear what she said) Huh? Me?

Elizabeth: About the day we met. Don't you remember?

Will: How could I forget Miss Swann?

Elizabeth: How many more times do I have to tell you, call me Elizabeth?

Will: Let me say something really stupid to make you hate me for no absolute reason. At least once more Miss Swann.

Elizabeth: You're right, that is the last time. Let's do some reverse psychology on you - good day, Mr Turner.

(Elizabeth and Governor Swann leave)

Will: (at the door) Let me say it now, for no reason other than saying your name out loud to an empty room. Good day … Elizabeth.

Please review, and sorry if I don't update lol :D plz read and review


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Yes! I don't own POTC! Are you happy now? Oh yeah, and I don't own Catherine Tate either, but I aint really bothered about that!**

**Chapter 3: A most excellent entrance, the Queen, and the proposal**

(The sexiest guy alive, jack sparrow, has a boat that's sinking quickly. He glides stunningly through the water, with his boat half sunk. He steps off onto the pier.)

Harbourmaster: (to jack) what? Hey! Hold up there, you! It's a shilling to tie up your boat at the dock. (Looks at sunken boat) What happened to your boat? It's well sunk!

Jack: (pauses) Am I bothered though? I aint bothered though, so shut up! Is my face bothered though?

Harbourmaster: You look a bit bothered though, let's just leave it!

Jack: I aint bothered though! Shut up!

Harbourmaster: And I shall need to know your name

Jack: Am I bothered though? I aint giving you my name though, you might be a pervert or summat! Get out of my face!

Harbourmaster: Look, give me the money or ill kick you out!

Jack: I like your shoes though, where ya get them from?

Harbourmaster: umm… just give me the money and your name!

Jack: I aint bothered though! Face bothered, name bothered, boat bothered, shoes bothered, I AINT BOTHERED! (Walks off)

Harbourmaster: Welcome to Port Royal, Mr Smith. (Jack nicks harbourmasters money from desk)

(Shows a bit of Norrington the eggs promotion ceremony – extremely rubbish, as there is no jack!)

(At the decks by the dauntless and the interceptor)

Murtogg: (spots Jack) Hey! This dock is off limits to civilians!

Jack: And? I'm not a civilian! I am very good friends with the queen!

Mullroy: Ooh really? It must be so nice to be close to her. (dribbles) She is soo hot! (Jack and Murtogg give Mullroy weird look) What? Can you put in a good word for me? Please? I haven't had a girlfriend since my 17th birthday!

Jack: Ooo Kkkk…… So can I have a look?

Mullroy: Of course, but only if you give me one of those signed knickers the queen has on the market. I'm dying to get some.

(They go on the ship)

(Back to Norringtons ceremony. Up on the battle forts high above the sea.)

Norrington: May I have a moment up here, on the battlements over the sea that looks like a disaster is waiting to happen?

Elizabeth: (fanning herself to hide the fake throwing up) uh huh.

Norrington: I, uh, apologize if I seem forward, but I must speak my mind. This promotion throws into sharp relief that which I have not yet achieved. Uh, A marriage to a fine woman. You have become a fine woman, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: (under her breath) think of an excuse, think of an excuse, think of an excuse! Ah ha! Got one! (To Norrington) I… can't breathe.

Norrington: (turns around) I'm feeling a little nervous myself.

Elizabeth: (under her breath) yes! It's my chance! GERONIMO! (She jumps off the battlements to escape from the old creepy guy.)

Lolz lurvin Mullroy and the Queen! Lmao plz review :D sorrii for not updating sooner, I jus cudnt be bothered – Am I bothered tho?


	4. Chapter 4

**A.N/ hey guys! Soooooo sorry, it's been forever since ii updated, and the onlii excuse ii have iis that ii forgot all about iit until yesterday when ii was serchiing through mii folders trying to fiind mii French homework… So anywho, sorry iits been a while, and thiis might not be one of mii best stories cuz I haven't done 1 for ages! Thnx for all the reviews, iits good to see people expressing their opinions :D So where were we? Oh yes, Elizabeth attempted to commit suicide, and Jack is flogging the Queens underwear on EBay… lets begin…**

**Disclaimer: Yes, I think you get the picture, I DON'T OWN POTC!**

**CHAPTER 4: Ariel, tourettes and the great escape**

Jack: (in boat with guards. Mullroy is extremely fascinated with Jack's tale, and is quickly writing down something in his journal.) And then she made me sign her Bebo account…

(A splash next to the boat, as Elizabeth hurls herself off the battlements. Only Murtogg notices the splash. Back up to the battlements.)

Norrington: Elizabeth? (Turns round to look over the side.) Elizabeth! My God, its happening all over again! If only my make-up artist would stop fitting me with the wrong foundation, maybe this would stop happening! (Glares offstage as a young girl runs across the battlements, throws a sponge at Norry and then runs off teary-eyed. Norrington starts to jump in after her.) You aren't getting away from me that easily!

Gillette: (stops him from jumping!) No sir! The rocks! It's a miracle she missed them! (Under his breath.) A bloody miracle! (To Norrington) I would never put your life in danger Sir! (Batters eyelashes. Back to Jack.)

Murtogg: (tapping Mullroy furiously on the shoulder.) Hello! A girl just fell into…

Mullroy: (interrupting) shut up! I'm trying to listen to him! He has some important facts about the Queen and I'd like to listen!

Jack: S'cuze me lads, but I think…

Murtogg: Who cares about the Queen anyway? Its not like she did anything for us!

Mullroy: Yes she did!

Murtogg: Didn't!

Mullroy: Did!

Murtogg: Didn't!

(While this futile fight is underway, Jack the hero plunges into the sea to rescue Elizabeth; not that she needs rescuing; she'd rather be left to drown.)

Elizabeth: (in her head) Gosh, this is more fun than I thought it would be! I mean, look at the pretty fishies swimming round me! And… (The medallion round her neck calls to the Black Pearl. Murtogg shushes Mullroy and looks around.)

(Jack swims towards Elizabeth, but is beaten by Ariel, the little mermaid, who hoists Elizabeth over her shoulder and swims away. Unhappy, Jack follows her into A cove under the sea, where he finds Ursula tying both Ariel and Lizzie up. Jack switches on his charms and somehow unties them, taking both ladies out of the cave. Ariel thanks him by planting one on him. Happy and horny, Mr Sparrow takes the now unconscious Elizabeth up and out of the water.)

Murtogg: (helping Elizabeth and Jack out of the water) Ooh, I got her. She's not breathing!

Jack: Move out the way! (Licking his lips and grinning, he shoves Murtogg out of the way, and cuts off Elizabeth's corset.) How do you like me now!

Mullroy: Never would've thought of that. (Goes in for closer inspection.)

Jack: Clearly you've never been to Singapore. You get people doing this for money there! (Sees medallion, to Elizabeth) Where did you get that?

Norrington: (somehow gets down onto the boat extremely fast. He points the sword at Jack.) On your feet.

Governor Swann: (helps Elizabeth up) are you ok poodle?

Elizabeth: Daddy-pie! I told you not to call me that!

Governor Swann: OK pumpkin. (Sees Murtogg holding Lizzie's corset; Murtogg points at jack; Swann looks at Jack.) Shoot him!

Elizabeth: Go on Daddy! He was my rescuer, he deserves to pay!

Norrington: I believe thanks are in order. (Offers handshake. He reveals Jack's "P" tattoo for Pirate.) Had a brush in with the East India Trading company, did we Pirate?

Governor Swann && Elizabeth: Hang him!

Norrington: Keep your guns on him men! Gillette, fetch some irons.)

Gillette: Yes sir, anything for you!

Norrington (sees tattoo of a sparrow in flight.) Well well, Jack Sparrow, isn't it?

Jack: (shouts out) Captain! Captain Jack Sparrow! Captain! (people look at him weirdly.) Sorry, I've got tourettes, don't mind me. Captain!

Norrington: (pulls up Jack's sleeve to reveal a name tattooed on his shoulder in a love heart: Carly.) May I ask who this "Carly" is?

Jack: You may, but I'm not entirely sure… Oh god, was it that ginger I had last Thursday? Or the blonde yesterday? Or the…

Norrington: (interrupts) Moooooving on, I don't see your ship, Mr Sparrow.

Jack: CAPTAIN! Excuse me. (Slaps himself). I'm in the market, as it were.

Mullroy: These are his sir. (hands him Sparrow's effects)

Norrington: No additional shots nor powder. A compass that doesn't point North. (unsheathes sword.) And I half expected it to be made out of wood.

Jack: It IS made out of wood. (Points at the wooden blade.) Damn, I knew I shouldn't have swapped it for that one at Hoods Hideout!

Norrington: You are without a doubt the worst pirate I have ever heard of.

Jack: Aye, but you have heard of me!

Gillette: Sir, can I put it on him now? Sir? Oh Sir, please talk to me in that wonderful voice of authority and let me..

Norrington: (sighs) Yes Gillette, you can put it on him now.

Jack: (Gillette moves away from him) Finally! (throws his irons around Elizabeth's neck.)

Governor Swann: even though you probably wont, I will re-establish that you shouldn't shoot!

Jack: I knew you'd warm up to me. Commodore Norrington, my effects please, and my hat. Elizabeth, it is Elizabeth isn't it?

Elizabeth: (flutters eyelashes) It's Miss Swann.

Jack: Miss Swann, if you'd be so kind. Come, come, dear. We don't have all day. Now if you'd be very kind. (She straps on his sword, puts on his hat etc.) Easy on the goods darling.

Elizabeth: (flirtatiously) You're despicable! Grrr…

Jack: Aye me lass, if that's what you want. I saved your life, you save mine.

Elizabeth: Well actually, I didn't want to be saved.

Norrington: (A.N sorry I just had to put in this line from POTC 3!) You're mad.

Jack: If I wasn't this wouldn't work! (A.N yay! Lol just had to put that in!) You will always remember this as the day that you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow! (pushes Elizabeth away and escapes, swinging around and landing on a beam above their heads)

Governor Swann: Now will you shoot him?

Norrington: Open fire! (Jack is shot at. Amazingly, even with dozens of speeding bullets coming at him, he manages not to get hurt at all: spookily uncanny if you ask me. Not that you are going to, unless you put a review on (do it! Lol). But anyway, back to the story.) On his heels! (Jack throws his chains about a rope and slides to the ground, unharmed and perfectly planned, despite the fact he was only at the port for less than an hour, and half of that time he was giving an interview and swimming. Yes, I am still wasting more time writing this than actually getting on with the chapter, which is slowly coming to an end so…)

Norrington: (trying to be immensely clever, but failing in the process) Gillette, Mr Sparrow has a dawn appointment with the gallows. I would hate for him to miss it!

Gillette: Yes sir, anything for you sir!

Wow! Lolz sorry bout the reallii long A.Ns I keep posting midway, but, Alas, tis fun :P

Will update soon, please review!


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